


The birds, the bees and the giant holes in the ground

by Coniferoussiblings



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, F/F, Friendship/Love, Gen, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:53:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6567157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coniferoussiblings/pseuds/Coniferoussiblings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peridot considers looking for work on earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The birds, the bees and the giant holes in the ground

“Amethyst, where are the human kindergartens located?” Peridot asked.

“What? Do you mean the one here on earth that I came from? You’ve already been there before,” Amethyst replied, confused by the sudden question interrupting her lazy summer afternoon.

“Of course not, I mean the _human_ kindergarten - the kind that humans come from. Since I’m probably going to be spending the rest of my life on this planet I might as well try and find a function here that I’m well suited for,” Peridot explained.

“Whaaaa-t?” Amethyst said, barely holding back a laugh at Peridots’ assumption.

“Well, I am a certified kindergartener after all – I’m sure that with my superior mind and technical training that I could improve the no-doubt primitive facilities that they are using on this world a thousand-fold,” Peridot said with a touch of smugness.

The overly confident, and somewhat catlike, grin on the green gem’s face was the last straw and Amethyst doubled over in laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Peridot demanded.

“Peri, humans don’t come from kindergartens,” Amethyst said after she’d finally managed to calm her laughter back down to a level where she was able to talk again.

“Are you sure they don’t?” Peridot asked.

“Of course not. For one thing humans barely invented the _toaster_ like, yesterday – there’s no way they could build something like one of those huge kindergarten drill machines,” Amethyst said.

“That’s true. All the machines that I’ve seen on this planet have been ridiculously simplistic,” Peridot said, tapping her chin as she followed the train of thought, “but then where do they all come from?”

“They just… um… I dunno how to put it… they just kinda make each other I guess,” Amethyst said with a shrug.

“I thought you said they didn’t have access to kindergarten technology!” Peridot accused.

“They don’t, they make each other a different way,” Amethyst said.

“Well how in the stars do you make someone without an injector drill? Answer me that!” Peridot snapped.

“Well Vidalia told me once that there _is_ some drilling involved, but probably not the kind you’re thinking of,” Amethyst said in a serious tone, her cheeks hurting from the effort to contain her smirk.

“What’s a Vidalia?” Peridot asked.

“She’s a human friend of mine - she’s pretty cool,” Amethyst said.

“You said she told you how it works - is she some sort of human-manufacturing technician?” Peridot asked.

Amethyst snorted with laughter again, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Oh man, I’m definitely going to use that one the next time I see her – she’s gonna crack up!” Amethyst said.

“Why do you want to shatter your friend?” Peridot asked in horror.

“Stop! Just stop already, it’s too much,” Amethyst said, waving her hand in surrender as she slumped to the ground convulsing with laughter.

“Can you please just give me a straight answer? I have no idea how things work on this stupid mixed up planet of yours,” Peridot said, her tone somewhere between furious and pleading.

“Alright, alright – I guess it’s time for aunty Amethyst to tell little P-Dot about the birds and the bees,” Amethyst replied.

“Birds… bees. How are those involved exactly?” Peridot asked, pulling out her small tape recorder for notes.

Amethyst then launched into her explanation, interrupted frequently by Peridot’s questions and calls for clarifications. Despite Peridot’s many protests that Amethyst was pulling some sort of bizarre joke on her, the quartz insisted that everything she had told her was true as far as she knew. Mercifully the litany of horrors eventually wound down to an abrupt (and messy sounding) end.

“And that’s pretty much all I know about how the whole human making thing works,” Amethyst concluded.

Peridots’ eyes were fixed in a thousand yard stare out through the glare of her visor and a shudder glitched through the hard-light surface of her body.

“And you’re telling me they _all_ have to do this in order to manufacture more humans?” Peridot asked with a queasy expression spreading across her face.

“Well, at least half of them do anyway. Vidialia said the guys pretty much don’t do any of the heavy lifting,” Amethyst said.


End file.
